mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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