I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
