glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He better not be in your backpack
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
