I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
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