youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
