You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
