my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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