My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
