it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
