if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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