____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
