I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
