Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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