The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
