while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How external is "for external use only"?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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