Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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