So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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