Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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