i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
