Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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