So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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