this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
