i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
