I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
