gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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