Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
