I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
