He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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