and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
