At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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