put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
