i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
