Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
