If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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