Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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