i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
