so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
