I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
being pregnant is like rehab
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
