Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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