it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
