Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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