She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
