I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
