did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
