New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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