Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
