i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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