okay pat passed out under dana's car
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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