u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
