i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
